Here’s my usual New Year’s resolution to start blogging more. It should be relatively easy since I haven’t had a non-Instagram post in the longest time.
I know it’s probably a big obvious observation but I have changed a ton since Justine has been around. I like to think I am more responsible and that I think things through a little more. The future is something that honestly excites and at the same time freaks this shit out of me. The future used to be much more blurry for me. I didn’t care where I was even 6 months ahead from any moment. Now I feel like I almost need plans to keep me going. I guess that’s what being a parent does for you. It holds you down and makes you look at the big picture.
Sure, I long for the days that I used to be so care free. I didn’t have a worry in the world and thought the world revolved around me. Here I am, 35 years old and with every day I am learning how far that is from the truth. The world does not revolve me…it revolves around family and friends. It revolves around people who take time out of their days to help others. I wish that someday I could be someone who just helps people. When I was in Selfless for that year and some change, I think I was the most balanced I could ever be. Finding stories of people and organizations that existed solely to help others gave me inspiration in a daily basis. I miss that.
Then I think about Justine. I think about what kind of life will she have when she is older. What kind of world she will have when she gets older? How long will I be around for her when she gets older? All of those questions haunt me every night. I never thought these kinds of questions would keep me up at night. What I learned from being in Selfless was to give unconditionally. There are things that I know we need to do for Justine to be as successful as possible. She needs to continue her early intervention therapy. She needs to continue following up with her neurologist. Jaz and I have to play an active role in her therapies at home. And there seems to be a laundry list of other things we have to do for her and ourselves to succeed as a family. It’s not easy. There are days that seem like such huge victories but then there are the days that we just struggle. I think any parent can empathize with that, but having a special needs child adds just a bit more to everything. It adds just enough to keep me up writing a blog post about it at one in the morning. It feels like the decisions we make may have much more impact on her life.
I try my best to keep balance in life. God, family, health, work, friends, finances, and growth are just some of the things I am juggling. I should probably put Bulls fan in there too. When I was younger, I didn’t care about the balance because it was all about me. Now it is not. It is about the things that I am balancing because I care about them and I have to make sure I put the time in each of those things. Where does this blog fit in? I’d put it in growth. Whenever I write I feel like I am just understanding what my thoughts have been all of this time.
Sorry for the spew fest of a blog for the first one in 2015. Hopefully my thoughts will become clearer over time and I’ll get better and seeing the bigger picture.